i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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