it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
