i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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