Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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