He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
