I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.