I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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