He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
His hands were made for my vagina.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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