At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
