he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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