Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Found your dick twin last night
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
