I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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