you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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