Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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