i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
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Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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