Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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