I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
