He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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