I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
