he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.