Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
