i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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