My friends, they love my intelligence
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
