so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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