Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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