What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
