The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
