Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
