So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
