Just fell off a train. Bad.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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