Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
