It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
