It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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