Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
