Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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