opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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