I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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