i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Hippo gnu deer
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
