pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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