My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
