I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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