my phone needs a breathalizer
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
it's like iHOP with fire
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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