did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the day after is always just damage control
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
