how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
