and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
