I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
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just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
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I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.