It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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