Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
