: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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