Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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