Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
