Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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