Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
