Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
