you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
My pussy is not your playground.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
