dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
