Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.