phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
