I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
Love having children with random chicks
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you