When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.