my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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