And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
